tomorrow

the microwave is beeping, i go to turn it off but it’s persistent. i hear the fresh kernels pop as it continues to beep. why won’t it stop?

suddenly my eyes feel heavy. as i open open them, i realize it was just a dream.

the room is pitch black.

i’m in bed.

the house is quiet.

except for the piercing sound of that stupid alarm.

i reach over to grab my phone.

the light is blinding against the dark of the room.

my eyes still adjusting, squeeze closed.

“fuck” i whisper to no one.

the app says my blood sugar is 58, double arrows down.

i sit up, only now feeling the weight of this number.

my body feels weak. my heart, pounding.

i step out of bed, the floor like ice against my bare feet.

i manage to find my slippers, immediate comfort.

standing up, i head to the closet in the hallway. it’s full of juice boxes.

i pull one out, quickly unwrapping the straw.

i take a sip.

it’s room temperature but cold against the warmth of my tongue.

i lean back and slide down until i am sitting on the ground. my back against the wall.

i drink the juice box till it’s empty.

i let my head fall forward, closing my eyes, as i hold my own hands to steady them.

when i’m low like this, they shake.

i take deep breaths to slow my breathing, to lower my heart rate.

this.

this.

me

and

my life

against the quiet

of the world

feels like

trying to crawl

my way out of quicksand.

as the sugar fills my blood stream, the shaking begins to subside. 

just as i feel myself being buried beneath the sand, i find my way up and out. 

my heart, no longer trying to escape my chest.

my mind, no longer preparing for battle. 

i open my eyes & look at my phone.

the light still blinding, reads 80 with a steady arrow.

i pick myself up off the ground and walk back to my bedroom. as i set the empty juice box on my nightstand, i get back into bed and kick off my slippers.

as i crawl under the covers, i am reminded of freshly popped popcorn, that felt so real I could taste butter against my lips.

as my eyes close and drift back off to sleep, i whisper to myself,

tomorrow.